1. Thermal underwear
You never know when or where you may suddenly need to leave your third marriage – so pull on your thermals and take him to a place colder than your heart to share the news! Indeed, as the devout among us know, “[…] she who maketh it home alone, inheriteth the mansion” (Lorde 6:66).
2. A cute purse
Ha – not really. You know what possesses identical storage capacity to a purse, and cannot be ripped from your shoulder? Real pockets, that’s what.
On the subject of pockets … lean in ladies, and dream big. We’re not talking jeans with pockets. Not even a skirt with pockets. What you need is a garment for your lower body made entirely of deep, ambitious, empowering pockets, both filled and fulfilled, just so you can stick it to the man, or alternatively have plenty of places to put your rocks when you decide to drown yourself and die a martyr in the fight against the patriarchy. Don’t let anyone say you can’t have it all.
4. A Venus Fly Trap garter
This one’s tricky but well worth the effort. Step one: Retrieve a garter from your latest culturally-significant faux wedding. Step two: Attach Venus Fly Traps to it. Make sure the heads are facing outwards. Step three: Wear it under a skirt, around your mid-thigh. Next time you’re groped you won’t be the only person in deep discomfort.
5. The perfect manicure
To be honest, the only perfect cure for my mani would be claws like Wolverine’s; until real-world technology catches up, however, we shall just have to make do with false nails. But they will be steel tipped, and their raking capacity will be high.
6. A wig made of dead snakes – strong vintage aesthetic
You know what a gorgon really is? The first record of a radical feminist, darling. The original gorgon was simply a young woman who learnt of her man chatting up a cute lyrist in a Crete bathhouse and had exactly zero patience for his midsummer shenanigans. Unlike him, she didn’t frolic around and was consequently quick to put an end to his activities – and to him. History has defamed her and her true name is lost to us; however, owing to her common speech interjection of “men do suck!” she eventually acquired the moniker ‘Medusa’, which survives to this day.
7. A hat
Black and pointy is traditional, and therefore a classic. Make sure the tip is nice and sharp: it is specifically designed for gouging out the eyes of catcallers and perverts. Wear it in a rakish, forward-facing fashion for a better trajectory into the faces of your enemies. Channel your inner unicorn.
8. A ball and chain
Contrary to popular belief, radical feminists do have a sense of humour. Take the ball and chain: many of us happily accessorise with an object MRAs claim represents a woman in a heterosexual relationship, because we wear it ironically. We’re even putting the iron in irony – get it? I said, DO YOU GET IT? Don’t make me fetch my flail.
9. A long red scarf
Fabulously swishy and long enough to gag an entire philosophy tutorial of mansplainers. Dip it in the remains of your enemies for an authentic blood red.
10. A moustache (fake or otherwise)
Challenge gender stereotypes and traditional definitions of beauty by cultivating life on your upper lip. A bonus is that the macho male is a delicate creature with an outdated understanding of gender, and is deathly afraid of displaying anything interpretable as homosexual attraction. He is, therefore, likely to avoid any lady with a stache – particularly if it’s bigger than his own. This makes a lip fringe one of this season’s hottest trends. So work it. Grow free.
11. The quintessential fashion staple
You want a fashion staple? Easy. Any staple punched through the pale tree flesh of a feminist manifesto warm from the printer’s womb, is a fashion staple. You are welcome.
12. A small and easily transportable feline
Did you know fur allergies are becoming increasingly common? Lady Fate smiles once more. Next time anyone comments on your pussy, throw a cat at them.
13. A leather coat
Find a man – bigots are best for size. Flay him.