Boys, Boobs And Babies

Satire by Molly Mikov

Illustration by Juliette Baxter

While I cannot speak from personal experience, I am aware from many conversations with my mum and other women in my life that becoming a mother is by no means an easy task. The fun challenges that accompany motherhood are physical, emotional and mental. Take, for example, the joys of lack of sleep, body aches and cramps, then add on the societal expectations regarding your changing body, the struggle of constantly feeding your newborn and crushing judgement when doing it in public. Anyone would begin to feel the pressure.

So, here are my 5 HOT tips for breastfeeding in public:

1.     The first one is a game to make this already fun time a little more entertaining for you. I’ve named it Hide and Seek: the Breastfeeding Edition. The same rules of normal hide and seek apply, but you also hide with your baby!

Please note that if you choose not to play this game you risk getting yelled at by someone who believes that they are entitled to tell you what to do with your own body. So, ready, set, HIDE!

2.     In Australian Federal law, breastfeeding is a right, not a privilege, so sit down, relax and give your baby the milk it’s been screaming for. But, just in case, wear a skimpy Halloween costume as a disguise! Any sort of skin-revealing outfit should fly well with the men of society as long as it’s done entirely for the male gaze. Thank you for that hyper-sexualisation of breasts in the media!

3.     This next one may take a little preparation, but if you pull it off it will be well worth it! Get your drag on (really go all out and be as cis-male passing as possible) then take your shirt off. No one will blink an eye because men walk around with their tops off all the time. No one cares about nipples as long as they are attached to a non-mammary-gland-holding chest!

4.     Just become a man – apparently it makes life a lot easier.

5.     Now you are a man, you finally don’t need to worry about trivial things like public breastfeeding or double-standards around the bare existence of your body anymore. Problem solved – you’re welcome!

In the wise words of James Brown, “this is a man’s world.” And in this world for men apparently getting mad at women for performing the maternal functions necessary to provide a child with sustenance, then proceeding to take a leak on the tree next to you is A-Okay.

So, just follow this easy step-by-step strategy and you too can get away with almost anything! Happy eating everyone!