Written by Anonymous
Graphic by Paris Robson
This piece was originally published in ‘Pleasure and Danger’, Bossy’s 2020 print edition.
Saint Sebastian,
I have forgotten how to turn words
into prayer. But my heart is a heavy burden
and my thoughts threaten to consume me
until I am little more than dust.
Saint Sebastian, I have many things to confess.
Saint Sebastian, pray for us.
Saint Sebastian,
Our Holy Father
taught me that my existence was a transgression.
There are days I choke on the blood of Christ
and wonder why this covenant feels like a sin.
Saint Sebastian, pray for us.
Saint Sebastian,
I first knew I was like you when
I looked at a girl and thought not
of her friendship
but of her hair,
her smile,
her lips.
The way her hand might feel in mine.
Tell me: did it feel the same way for you?
Saint Sebastian, pray for us.
Saint Sebastian,
when I was sixteen years old
she told me she loved me
and I ran.
Away from her,
and away from the people around us,
wolves wearing sheep as skin –
ready to tear fleece from flesh
and eat me alive.
Saint Sebastian, pray for us.
Saint Sebastian,
I swear this to you.
My love is not cruel.
My love is patient and kind.
My love is my cross to bear.
Saint Sebastian, pray for us.
Saint Sebastian,
holy martyr,
remind me that I am good.
Remind me that my love could be a forest fire
and not a confessional sin
if I was brave enough to wield it as a sanction.
Tell me that you hear my prayers,
that you will take my hand
when I reach for you in the dark.
That you will not let me fall.
Saint Sebastian, pray for us.
Saint Sebastian,
I look at you, and I see more.
I look at you, and I see me.
So much of you is shrouded beneath brushstrokes –
your desires, your sins –
but you still feel familiar to me.
Our brothers and sisters decided
that you were worth remembering.
Perhaps one day, they will remember me too.
Saint Sebastian, pray for us.
Saint Sebastian,
patron of the persecuted,
teach me how to be brave.
Saint Sebastian, pray for us.
Saint Sebastian, who faced
one hundred arrows and lived,
teach me how to survive.
Saint Sebastian, pray for us.
Saint Sebastian,
you died for your beliefs.
I will live for mine.
Saint Sebastian, pray for us.