Photographer: Chanel Irvine
Sarah Griff, notorious mum about town, is bored of making home ownership a living nightmare for an entire generation of Australians. Recent tip-offs reveal she has a new hobby inspiring her to namaste once again: making the morning brew at minimum wage for her very own endlessly-entitled peers.
Griff, a woman who can only be described to have “made a mess” in the kitchen at her friend Sally’s house whilst having a crack at the new Real Espresso IV machine, has bought her own unit, sources report. What’s more, they add, she is loving it.
In an official statement to her sister Jane she said: “I couldn’t believe how easy it was! I was telling those kids who rent from us how they should look into getting one, cut down on all those lattes and start saving for their own place! Get out of here, dole-gobbling bin rats! Ha ha!
“One of them started saying things to me about fixing the ‘mildew’ and ‘calling ActewAGL’ – is that slang for something? What do they call cocaine these days?”
Off the back of many heady caffeinated successes throughout the week, including a tick of approval from Sabina who spent 13 days in Italy last winter, Griff felt emboldened to try something “a little bit cheeky”.
The mother of two and Pinterest entrepreneur was overheard on Friday cancelling brunch plans to attend a trial shift at the very same café.
Café manager Brett, 27, admitted although already overstaffed and unable to provide adequate shifts for his employees, he had been overwhelmed by the boundless confidence of the boomer woman.
“It was actually quite refreshing,” he said, “it’s not that often I get people coming in who haven’t been beaten down by nonsensical Centrelink demands and constant unpaid labour opportunities at companies that will never offer them a job.
“In her first shift she served someone from her son’s school’s soccer club and had a 20-minute conversation about the principal’s divorce. At the top of their voices, like they were trying to make Satan hear or something. I don’t think either of them had ever met her.”
Griff commented that the extra income was “just a bit of pocket money” and speculated she might put the funds towards purchasing a personal soda machine.
“I’ll make a few G&Ts for the girls, and see where it takes me!
“It’s 2017, the world is my oyster!”