Plebiscite on Plebiscites

An unofficial message from the Federal Government of Australia

Dear Citizens,

We want YOU to have your say…

…on what you should vote on!

As the newly formed Department of Plebiscites, it has come to our attention that some people don’t like our upcoming plebiscite on marriage equality. That’s fine – we want you to have your say. We’ve also heard that some people disagree with some other things that the parliament could be making decisions on. We understand! We hate heaps of stuff! We want this nation to be as democratic as possible (except for choosing who the prime minister is). We want to spend your hard earned taxpayer dollars correctly; we don’t just throw around $122 million for no reason.

So tell us, Australia – which of these other postal plebiscites should we run?

(Disclaimer: Plebiscite results are not binding. We don’t have to act in accordance with the results of this plebiscite, and the results probably won’t be accurate.)

The Plebiscite on Plebiscites

Please number the boxes 1 – 4 (one to four) to indicate your preference on which of the following plebiscites we should run, with 1 indicating your favourite and 4 indicating your least favourite. The wording is fixed, and formulated by experts (from the Liberal Party) so that it is completely impartial and unbiased. Please do not mark the boxes where you would actually indicate your preference for each plebiscite – these boxes are there for display only. We would hate to run a postal plebiscite that the Australian public didn’t actually want.

☐ Are homosex people people?
□ Yes
□ No
□ Why don’t we just abolish personhood altogether

☐ Should we lock up refugees in detention centres?
□ Yes, please – lock up a few more
□ No (unless Peter thinks they’re terrorists)
□ Let’s not talk about it; it makes me feel icky

☐ Should females pay tax for tampons and other gross lady stuff?
□ Yes
□ No
□ Let’s not talk about it; it makes me feel icky

☐ Should we be worried about global warming?
□ Kind of
□ Not really
□ Yesterday there was frost on my lawn; it’s a scam

Please send your completed form to Peter Dutton’s personal address. He will sort through them all himself and report on the results because he’s very trustworthy – just ask Malcolm Turnbull!