Black Panther — Coming to White Audiences Everywhere

In a miraculous display of generosity, white cinema-goers are single-handedly combating the prevalence of racism. These freedom fighters, who purchased tickets to the monumentally successful Black Panther, are now being hailed as the new heroes of our time for their immeasurable generosity.

Although only 35 per cent of the worldwide audience thus far has been Caucasian, compared to almost 37 per cent being African-American, Anglo-Saxons can and should be satisfied with themselves because supporting this film automatically makes them a ‘good’ people.

In fact, experts are suggesting that all prior benefits attained due to white privilege are instantly atoned for when a ticket is purchased.

We hit the streets to chat to some of these white do-gooders and learn more about what fuels their fights for justice.

James Matthews — a 22-year-old Sydney boy whose father works at Deloitte — told us: “I usually stream all my movies online because I’m still on my parents’ Nextflix account, but I actually did buy a ticket to see Black Panther.

“And not just because the special effects look shitty on my laptop. I guess you could say I’m doing my bit for black rights. Of course, I only went on Monday, cause there are student discount prices. You can only do so much.”

Olivia Jones — a 26-year-old RSPCA volunteer who is vegan on alternate weekends — takes a more moderate approach.

“I’m pretty much already a huge racial advocate; I completely thought Get Out should have won the Oscar this year. But I guess Moonlight won the year before and we don’t want to trigger any reverse racism.”

Experts have been quick to point out that this phenomenon has occurred less than a year after the success of the film Wonder Woman effectively purged all sexism from society.

When we asked Tim Wilson (who saw Wonder Woman and Black Panther at the cinema) about the end of gender inequality, he said: “Yeah, I watched a bunch of supermodels in tight outfits fight Nazis. I consider it, like, my duty. What can I say? I’m just a good guy.”

It is expected that the soon-to-be-released film Captain Marvel will close the wage gap and prevent the sexual harassment of women worldwide, just as the most recent Guardians of the Galaxy movie created peace between humans and our alien overlords.

Unfortunately, the only response this reporter was able to get from people of colour passing by were looks of disgust. This, of course, can logically be interpreted as silent acquiescence with everything stated in this article.