After consultation with numerous* students at ANU it has been concluded that Kate, who listens to her female friends talk for long periods of time and sometimes looks after them when they’re drunk, is a really “stand-up girl”.
Her self-proclaimed best friend Emily enthusiastically said: “Kate is actually SO incredible. The other night I was so drunk I could barely walk, and I was being followed around by this guy who kept doing that thing where they awkwardly wave their crotch in the direction of your ass and hope that it will somehow end in sex. Kate eventually got fed up and asked him to leave me alone. It was barely audible, but still, it’s SO chivalrous of girls to go out of their way to do that for you.
“Anyway, after that she walked me the whole 20 metres to my room, kind of attempted to put me in the recovery position, and left. She didn’t even take any demeaning selfies featuring my limp, unconscious body. It’s so great to know that there’s a girl out there you can trust.”
It has even been reported that Kate provides an adequate level of emotional support when her friends are going through hard times.
She successfully spent a full hour listening to her friend Jane wailing into a pillow about how her boyfriend of three years had been cheating on her, offering her half-hearted pats on the back, while repeatedly mumbling something along the lines of “yeah, that really sucks.”
In fact, the only student out there who is questioning whether Kate really is THAT nice is Adam.
Adam was lounging around at home last week, watching Netflix, wondering when he should schedule his pre-exam week mental breakdown, when his phone buzzed. He opened his messages, expecting to see something from the mature-age student in his group assignment informing everyone that he has done the whole thing already and to “feel free to make any changes but run it by me first”.
But no. It was Kate.
He’d accepted a drink from her and made out with her for five minutes in one of Cube’s weird sex cages the previous Thursday. After their little exchange, Adam had realised he wasn’t interested, so slipped away and re-joined his group of friends. Kate had gotten his number from a friend, of a friend, of a mutual friend they shared.
But now, to remind him of that special time they’d shared, Kate had sent him a high-definition, carefully lit, arty AF, close-up image of her vagina.
When asked about how he felt when he opened the message, Adam admitted: “It certainly shocked me.”
“I mean, it’s not like I’m so scared for my safety that I’m taking out a restraining order, right? She could be responding to the rejection by sending me a bunch of text messages explaining that she never liked me and I am, in fact, really ugly.
“But no, she just crossed the line a little bit. It could be worse. We should be grateful for women who know when to leave you alone. She’s still a pretty nice girl.”
*seven students from Burgmann