Graphic by Juliette Baxter
Is dating getting you down? Is your choice of heeled shoes inexplicably limited by out-dated ideas of male physiological superiority? Well, have I got a solution for you – tall guys! Aim high when it comes to finding your perfect match, because who doesn’t love a man who makes you feel traditionally feminine and weirdly infantilised! Here are 4 reasons why Mr Above Average might just be Mr Right.
1. They’re honest!
Online dating is hard! Not only do you have make sure you give the guy who only contacts you at 9pm on a Thursday the attention he deserves, just so he won’t call you a ‘stuck-up bitch’, you can also never be sure whether someone is telling the truth about themselves! But fear not! Tall dudes are here to the rescue, having diligently recorded their height to the millimetre in their Tinder bios, completely unprompted! As you flick through his profile, you may still be saying to yourself; “Is that really his dog?” or “Does that action shot mean he’s dedicated to regular exercise, or did he just run the City2Surf once?” But, who cares?! He says he’s 6’4’’and his pics look like he’s legit!
2. It doesn’t really matter if they’re a bit boring!
So, you’re not sure whether you can sit through another conversation about how hard the job market is when your daddy is only a partner at a mid-tier law firm. Hang in there gal – just remember, he’s tall! Worried his almost non-existent sense of humour won’t make a good impression with your friends or family? You can always reignite the conversation by asking him to tell everyone about his brief and underwhelming basketball career and that one time he won most-valued player in Year 10 simply for being a foot taller than everyone else! You’ll have everyone completely ignoring the fact that his favourite topics are himself and uninteresting political commentary in no time.
3. They’re easy to please, just tell them how good they are at reaching shit!
Every tall guy loves being reminded of just how tall they are. They love it even more when you compliment them for it! By simply marvelling at their ability to use basic motor skills to obtain an object from an above average height, you create the perfect atmosphere to get them to do other mundane tasks you really can’t be fucked doing! Tell him how much you enjoy watching him do tax returns. Let him know you love it when he authoritatively spends 50 minutes on hold trying to contact your dodgy internet customer service provider. He’ll be happy and so will you.
4. They’ll probably be a politician or CEO someday!
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably hit your fourth year of university and come to the realisation that maybe the workforce isn’t really the thing for you. However, you still wouldn’t mind a boat and/or a biannual holiday to the Caribbean. Well, welcome to the long-term investment that is a tall guy! On average, CEOs tend to be 6 foot or taller, so get ready for your close up, it’s an easy road to a starring role on the Real Housewives of Sydney for you!
Romance just got so much easier! Now you can finally ignore his various personality-based flaws, because he’s above average height! Congratulations gal, you’ve struck modern dating gold!