I Am Sorry To Report

Image by Imogen Clarke

In recent weeks a strange phenomenon has swept over Canberra causing widespread trepidation amongst the local population – multiple organisations have reported a record decline in the use of ‘sorry’ amongst local women. Men in the city are beginning to feel particularly vulnerable and have been encouraged by each other to avoid highly female populated areas till further notice.

One such man, who has asked to remain anonymous (sorry about that), has claimed that his many attempts to help women rediscover their innate passivity have all faced disturbing acts of aggression. He describes himself as a “reasonable man” who, on occasion, would even move out of the way of women when their paths collided on sidewalks. He used to relish the courteous “sorry” that women would utter when he ran straight into them. Nowadays, he makes it his goal to charge into any woman he sees whilst walking in the hopes to reignite their need to apologise.

Women’s psychology expert, Dr S. Matér-Thanyou, explained that due to the chemical engineering of every woman’s brain, they possess an inherent need to be sorry all the time.

“In short,” he said, “women are objectively emotional creatures and are simply designed to be sorry.”

When asked about the likely cause of this concerning decline in apology rates, Dr S. Matér-Thanyou presented a disturbing diagnosis.

“Well actually, the cause of all of this sudden empowerment is quite obvious; the feminist movement has penetrated the brains of women and diluted their natural apologetic state. It’s quite tragic really – so many nice girls being indoctrinated into such unnatural, immodest behaviour.”

However, Dr Matér-Thanyou has a message of hope for women of the city. He has encouraged all women to “stay strong…but obviously not too strong”, and has prescribed being sorry at least 5 times a day in order to coax out their God-given duty to apologise for nearly everything.

When questioned on how this epidemic has affected them, the general male population of Canberra conveyed feelings of distress and outrage.

Jerry Mander recounts his Australian Political Institutions tutorial wherein one of his female peers didn’t immediately apologise after he interrupted her while she was making a point. He was further shocked when she didn’t begin stating her opinion by saying “sorry” or phrasing her answer as a question.

“It was just so uncomfortable, you know? How am I supposed to listen to anything she says unless it starts with sorry? It was just so rude of her not to apologise to me when I interrupted her to help strengthen her point!”

Shocking reports have also been leaked from the very same Wednesday afternoon tutorial revealing female students not only refusing to apologise, but also calling out acts of alleged “mansplaining” by their male peers. Understandably, said reports elicited a frustrated response from Mr Mander.

“What is mansplaining anyway? How dare these women reduce me to just my gender?”

An inspection of Downstairs Mooseheads on Thursday night revealed the situation was far more dire than originally presumed. Mun Ted, a regular patron of the nightclub, expressed his intense irritation at a woman who rejected his affections without profusely apologising to him first.

The woman in question allegedly shook her head and told Mr Ted to “get lost”, as opposed to the preferred, traditional response of “I’m so sorry, that’s really sweet, but I’m not interested”. Even after Mr Ted grabbed her hips in an ingenious attempt to make his advances an apology was never uttered.

Mun commented on the traumatic events saying, “I mean, firstly, she should be happy I even noticed her at all. Does she think can she get away with that sort of disrespect and not apologise for it?”

Such first-hand witness accounts of the recent Canberran apology-deficit suggest the situation is becoming a real cause of alarm among the straight male community, and due to the key significance of the opinions of this demographic, it is therefore also of great concern to the wider community.

If you happen to encounter or know of a woman who seems to have become more assertive and self-assured as of late, ensure that she gets the help she needs immediately. We simply cannot continue to betray Mother Nature and disturb the order of civil society by neglecting the natural born duty of women to say sorry to everyone, everywhere, all of the time.