Satire by Sophie Johnson

A Guide to ANU Crushes – Otherwise Known as “Which ANU Crush Are YOU?”

Graphic by Mariam Rizvi

We’ve all been there, trawling through the second hottest page on campus after ANU Schmidtposting – ANU Crushes 2.0. Whether we’re hoping to see our own name (let’s be real, all of us) or just enjoying the cutest, purest content that ANU has to offer (don’t lie, you guys are also hoping to get a crush), the page has something for everyone. So, without further ado, here lies an encyclopaedia of the classic ANU Crushes that grace our screens.

  1. The “I’m secretly in love with my best friend”:

Written from the heart, this crush reminds all of us of our younger selves. Refreshingly idealistic, yet with a touch of heartache, this crush tugs at our heartstrings in all the right ways. We all want that romance where you’ve fallen in love with your best friend. These lucky few seem to have gotten that, though admittedly without the happy ending. As adorably lovesick as these crushes are, they’re often also a touch depressing since they’re not happy endings but rather an outburst of repressed feelings. These crushes also almost never involve names, as that would defeat the whole purpose of anonymity. 7.5/10

  1. The “You walked into class late but into my heart (early?), usually involving a pun from your name”:

Most often written amidst the lustful fervour accompanying a lecture or tutorial, these crushes are mostly the product of boredom. They always involve names and also take up far too much of the writer’s brain space, as they try to figure out a clever pun for “Smith”. These crushes are cute and probably the most relatable of all, as they are a fleeting, easily forgotten crush that springs both from the recipient’s attractiveness and from the boredom stemming from a two-hour lecture with no toilet break. 11/10

  1. The “You work at *insert Gods (rip)/Molo/café on campus*, *insert some poor pun/reference to drinks or coffee*”:

These crushes are some of the most common to grace the ANU Crushes page and they’re also still fun as hell. Directed at some barista, waitress or bartender who offered more than a perfunctory ‘Hi’, they’re the easiest of all the ANU Crushes to post. Usually referring to nothing more than the person’s smile, style or charm, there’s no chance that the person in question will have any idea who wrote the crush. Therefore, wholesome AF. 9/10

  1. The “I saw you in the Pop-Up/college kitchen and you’re hot AF”:

To be fair, these crushes often refer to more than just the person’s attractiveness, particularly if they’re written about someone from college. The Pop-Up Crushes are fun, non-committal and most like Number 3 due to their no-risk (though most likely no-reward) character. College crushes are often more than this, mostly in their tendency to refer to personality and involve names. Overall, wholesome, though less so than above. 8.5/10

  1. The “We made eye contact twice in Chifley two months ago and I still think about it before I go to sleep”:

These crushes are pretty fun, mostly because everyone wants to be on the receiving end of one. Heading into the library for studying, looking (probably) not so great and getting singled out from the multitude of students to be the recipient of an ANU Crush? Yes, please! These crushes never involve names and are always directed at someone who looks especially chaotic but cool. 8/10

  1. The “I’m using ANU Crushes to ask for advice on one of several possible situations (e.g. how to make friends, how to find a boy/girlfriend, what to do in my relationship, what to do in my friend with benefits situation)”:

Written with love from someone who’s struggling just a tad and isn’t necessarily sure who to talk to about it, these crushes (just like literally every ANU Crush ever) also earn the wholesome status. These guys tug at my heartstrings as well, because all any of us want is to be able to find friends and to have an easy-peasy relationship/friend with benefits. Alas, it’s rarely that easy, but I love the community vibe that these crushes establish. 7.5/10

  1. The “I’m referring to pop culture (e.g. memes, or relatable content) on ANU Crushes because I’m too scared to do it on Schmidtposting”:

These are mostly just funny crushes, though probably the least wholesome on the list. We have several other pages (see: ANU Schmidtposting, Overheard at ANU, ANU Fighting Scenarios) dedicated mostly to memes and edgy pop culture. There are so many other places for you to write about it. That said, I too appreciate the veil of anonymity, friend. And I’ll never say no to a crush about Peter Kavinsky. 6.5/10

  1. The “I wrote this for my friend, but in a platonic way #ILoveYou”:

WHOLESOME AS HELL. For me, these crushes are probably most of what ANU Crushes 2.0 is about. Reading or getting these crushes makes me insanely happy and everyone on the page is pumped to see a friendship crush, regardless of who it’s addressed to. These crushes are second only to Number 2, which get the edge because of the romantic element that we all live for. 10/10

  1. The “We met in a club/on Tinder and let’s do that again”:

LUSTFUL AS HELL. You go, writer, you do you! These crushes are hilarious to me, because the idea of people writing about doing the deed on ANU Crushes is endlessly funny, mostly because I’m still a five-year-old. Less wholesome, but often still have that romantic edge, so they pull through. Solid. 9/10

  1. The “I’m being that wholesome person who reminds everyone that they’re loved, regardless of whether they get ANU Crushes written about them”:

Kind of love, kind of hate these crushes. They’re the crush equivalent of that artsy, pretentious friend who spends $12 on a decaf, soy, double shot dirty chai. Or, alternatively, they’re just like those times when you’re joking with your mum and she turns it into a lecture. No one’s self-esteem is really resting on them getting a crush and we all know we’re amazing – calm down. Still, the idea behind the crush is cute as hell, it fits the vibe of the page, and the writer is invariably a nice person. 7/10

And there you have it! A short explanation of the most classic ANU Crushes, all of which are wholesome (a word that has gotten A LOT of use in this article) as hell. I would like to point out that my rating system is arbitrary AF and I can’t offer an explanation other than that they came from the heart (puns lol). At the end of the day, no matter the crush, we can all live vicariously through those few BNOCs who get crushes written about them every other day, or through those lucky few that find love on the ANU Crush Coffee Dates. Overall rating of ANU Crushes? 100/10.