Written by Phoebe Staats
Illustration by Suhani Kapadia
This piece was originally published in ‘Vestige,’ Bossy’s 2023 print publication.
Do you ever suddenly see a picture from when you were approximately 14, and the horror of remembering how you dressed in those days hits you so strongly that you stop functioning? Okay, that’s a bit hyperbolic but you know what I mean—cringing about things our past selves have done sometimes seems unavoidable.
Just last week, my housemate found the work I had published on Wattpad at 15—a nightmare situation where cringe and panic seemed to be the only logical option. But does this self- cringe actually help us in the present?
In some ways, I feel like cringe goes hand in hand with growing as a person. After all, we wouldn’t have any reason to regret past choices if we hadn’t changed (hopefully for the better). I would even argue that having those experiences are essential in learning who you are—by virtue of learning what you don’t want to continue doing. (Something something ‘we are the sum of all our experiences good and bad’ blah blah).
However, I believe it is also possible to feel strong remorse and even embarrassment while avoiding cringe all together. To me, the main difference between them seems to be this: cringe is the less kind version of regret. Frankly, it just has hater vibes. If I was in the unlikely situation where I had reason to (and felt brave enough) to tell a teenager what to do, would I say ‘You might regret acting like that later’? Sure! But would I look a teenager (A.K.A a child) in the face and tell them ‘You’re acting cringe’?? Absolutely not, I’m not completely heartless. But if it’s not something I’d say or think about someone else, why am I so prepared to think it about myself?
When it gets down to it, a decade isn’t long enough to separate me now from me at 13. Hating on a younger me is still hating on myself. It’s a slippery slope. I can accept that younger me was trying their best and therefore deserves some level of compassion. But am I not still trying my best? More importantly, we have to consider the impact of continuing to hate ourselves. Does it spark joy? If it doesn’t, if, as I believe, it instead contributes to a lower overall self-esteem and confidence, then why on earth do so many of us continue to embrace it?
Now, I’m sure there are a multitude of reasons this is relatively normal. Tall Poppy Syndrome—when those who are successful or who brag about their own success are cut down and hated on is a well-known cultural phenomenon in Australia. Openly deciding to love yourself is not so different from ‘bragging’ in a culture where that isn’t normalised. Perhaps we have internalised the criticisms from family members, friends, or our school-era mortal enemies. Self-hate is also very commonly seen in media like magazines, movies, and books. Moreover, typically teenage girl interests are often especially ridiculed— music, romance books, makeup, and on and on. While this is clearly due to misogyny, that doesn’t make it any easier to un-internalise that messaging. I think to some extent women and femme people unabashedly loving themselves and celebrating who they are is a feminist action.
I’m sure we could fully analyse the reasons and influences for the prevalence of this way of thinking, but in the end, the only thing each of us can do is work out how to get better at treating ourselves (at every age) with grace and forgiveness. So, what if I published shitty writing to Wattpad while in high school—I’m definitely not the only one who did— especially if the absolute crap I spent my time reading back then is anything to go by. Once I get past the cringe it becomes much easier to remember why I did it in the first place; it was fun.
If we can manage to reminisce cringe-free about our younger selves, it might even become a little easier to offer that kind of understanding to the current version of ourselves too. We are allowed to do embarrassing things in order to spark joy. In fact, I would encourage it. Of course, the reality of challenging your mindset isn’t as easy as just deciding to. There are patterns of thinking which can be really hard to get out of, and this is the kind of thing that will always have ups and downs. But as a starting point these are some things you can consider:
- Affirmation – adjacent
I know affirmations get a bad rep but just hear me out. Take notice of when you are being mean to yourself, stop, and say something nice instead. The most important part of this is not necessarily saying something nice, it’s just deciding not to say something mean. - Commit to a good vibe
This may go without saying but being kinder to others is a good step towards being kinder to yourself. Maybe you’re thinking ‘hey that’s a pretty presumptuous thing to say, I’m a fabulous friend’ but I don’t know your life! Celebrate your friends’ achievements, encourage them to be kind to themselves and be the change you want to see in the world, ya know. - Do things that spark joy
This is really just something I hope you’re doing anyway, but work out what things really make you smile, and do those things more! If you realise you’ve got a negative bias towards something you used to love, try and work out the underlying reason and decide if that’s something you really agree with.
Good luck!
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