Collage by Eilis Fitt
A young ANU student, Patsy Goobshankles, was sent into shock on Monday after being informed that as an upper-class white girl she is kind of privileged.
Patsy was enjoying a student meal at the Co-Op Food Store on Monday morning when she was told that household incomes over six figures exceed the threshold for student financial support, and that her application was therefore rejected.
“No one ever looks out for the middle class”, she exclaimed, before fainting into her lentil and quinoa soup.
After the initial shock, Patsy understandably continued to be distraught by the news. She is currently on bed rest in her New Acton apartment, surrounded by friends and family.
“Patsy checks all the boxes: she wears mom-jeans, only shops at Landspeed, traded her brand-new Mercedes for a bike. What more can she do? She literally defines the middle-class struggle”, said Polly Bobblestocks, a close friend to Patsy.
Professor Swagnutters MD at the University of Jelswanky has undergone extensive research into Middle-Class Syndrome and believes that Patsy shows many symptoms.
“Individuals who suffer from Middle-Class Syndrome lose touch with their wealth and privilege and assume the persona of a middle-class member of society”, he told us.
“A denial of their own wealth is just one symptom — there are many more, such as veganism and tendencies towards socialism.”
Professor Swagnutters also told us that “Middle-Class Syndrome could be genetic … just as you inherit wealth from your parents, you also inherit the syndrome.”
Last year Patsy’s father, Horace Goobshankles, the executive director at Goobshankles Grubbly Goggles International Pty Ltd, which is the largest global petroleum company, was also sent into shock after a dismissed employee called him a “rich turdburger”.
After recovery from the shock he was reported asking: “How can he call me rich when I am clearly middle class?” Before on-site reporters could ask him to elaborate, however, they were escorted out of the First-Class Qantas Lounge.
Patsy told reporters she has booked an appointment with a therapist who specalises in a new type of treatment called ‘Real Talk’. She is hopeful that this treatment will help her get past her upper-class guilt and denial.
“You know, maybe I am upper class”, Patsy was overheard saying in a moment of reflection.
“Last year I brought my university friends back to the Northshore with me, but I was ashamed to take them to my beachside mansion, so I took them to a homeless shelter and told them that I grew up there. Looking back on that, I think it could be a little problematic.”
No shit Patsy.