Queer* Dating Made Easy: The Hottest New Dating Spots Where You Can Actually Hold Hands Without Getting Stared At

Graphic by Juliette Baxter

Oh, my, my, my! There has never been a better time for queer* couples in our nation’s capital looking for romantic date spots.  From the whole of Braddon to selective parts of Civic, Fyshwick and greater Canberra, queer* couples everywhere can now comfortably take their pick of almost all of Canberra’s favourite rendezvous hotspots.

Braddon has already been claimed as a queer*-only space – cemented through the installation of the rainbow roundabout.  The oh-so central position of the flag in the Braddon region has warded of many straight infiltrators, allowing exclusively queer* couples to enjoy the trendy restaurants and bars from Sweet Bones to Knightsbridge.

Yet, these queers* are not content with their restricted safe suburb and are instead branching out, invading conventionally hetero Canberra regions.

When questioned about the increase in queer* couples frequenting her favourite date restaurant, Kelly, an authentic heterosexual (kissed a girl and did not like it) stated that she didn’t mind the presence of “those” types of people so long as they were discreet in the expression of their relationship status, preferring not to have the homosexual agenda thrust in her face.  She commented that she didn’t see the need for queer* people to make themselves so obvious, “I mean we get it, you’re gay!”  Proceeding to become increasingly emotional throughout the interview, she concluded, “You have marriage equality, let me have Raku!”

Similarly, her boyfriend Noah, an undeniable straight (sits five feet apart from men in hot tubs because he’s not gay) voted yes to queer* people being in the same date spaces as them, so long as they are:

  1. Female identifying
  2. Femme presenting
  3. Sexy lesbians*

*You know, like the lesbians in cheap, made-for-the-male-gaze lesbian porn with unrealistically long nails.

Conversely, when prodded about his tolerance for same-sex male couples, he responded that gay men made him feel ‘rather uncomfortable’ so he’d prefer them to keep their gestures of affection limited when in his hetero landscape. Upon being questioned about this overt double standard, he replied that his discomfort was certainly not the result of an unconscious bias that fetishises lesbian couples and fears that gay men will threaten his fragile masculinity by hitting on him.  He then proceeded to order the item on the menu that would give him the most protein possible, and flexed on and off for the next 15 minutes as Kelly swooned.

When asked about her favourite date spot, certified lesbian Alex (kissed a girl and REALLY liked it) said that she enjoyed taking her partner to the movies.  “I really love the darkness and how it provides me with the appropriate coverage to reach for my partner’s hand without the fear of public judgement.” How romantic! You too could experience the safety of darkness at any of your local Dendy or Palace cinemas, and remember, Dendy does cheap deals for students on Wednesday so that you can save money for ‘queer activity’!

Another verified gay, Cameron, said he enjoyed taking his trans boyfriend, Michael, to various mini-golfing spots around Canberra. With outlets spaced from Fyshwick to Yarralumla, Cameron revealed these locations to be far enough from his hall of residency to avoid recognition from campus acquaintances. Michael said that they were able to fly under the radars of nearby heterosexuals by talking loudly about sports and grinding on women at Mooseheads.

It should be noted that no bisexual representatives were interviewed here, not as a product of bi-erasure, but instead because no genuine candidates could be located! This was due to a general unwillingness of potential bisexuals to submit their dating history for evaluation by the Department of Verified Bisexuals (DVB).  Failure to provide documentation of all prior relationships resulted in the withdrawal of the individual’s rights to wear shirts tucked in with the sleeves rolled up, and to rock a short hairstyle. Bi-pride stickers were also removed from various technological devices of unverified bisexuals.

All in all, the dating scene for Canberra’s queer* identifying residents has never been more accessible and accepting.  From mini-golfing to dining at Canberra’s trendiest restaurants, queer* individuals are taking over, assimilating nicely into conventional heterosexual society. If they abide by the simple request of straight people to limit any romantic gestures whatsoever, they too can enjoy all the romantic opportunities Canberra has to offer.  And if not, there’s always the area formerly referred to as Braddon, now dubbed ‘Queerstown’.