Written by Anonymous
Graphic by Paris Robson
This piece was originally published in ‘Pleasure and Danger’, Bossy’s 2020 print edition.
Personal Disclaimer: I am not an expert on this topic and speak only from my experience. Please make your own informed decisions and do your own research as well.
Following the release of Fifty Shades of Grey in 2015, a Pandora’s box of sexual exploration and experimentation was unleashed. I found myself having more and more conversations with friends about our sexual interests and experiences. A lot of these conversations covered how their sex lives had been spiced up, in a Christian Grey-esque manner, through the introduction of light BDSM into long-term and casual relationships.
Some wildly juicy stories emerged from the Fifty Shades phenomenon, saucy and embarrassing alike. But what really left me gasping, so to speak, was the lack of education, shared both by the author, E.L. James, and my friends, about safe BDSM practices. More specifically, knowledge about the practice of erotic asphyxiation – the intentional restriction of oxygen to the brain (commonly known as choking) in order to heighten sexual arousal – was severely lacking.
Most surprising was the sheer number of people I came across who’d had some experience with choking during sex, myself included. What I discovered and found relevant to understanding the phenomenon is that, for those who are into it, there is a certain exhilarating appeal in taking and exerting control over a person (the submissive/dominant dynamic). But the necessary element that people need to understand is that the pleasure of choking comes from the fantasy of the action. It’s the power exchanged in the relationship through the giving and receiving of control that is the titillating component, not a near death experience. So, unlike the TikTok trend, I want to be choked, but I really don’t want you to finish the job.
It is worth noting that just because this is ‘trendy’ doesn’t mean that the experience is enjoyed by everyone – not liking it doesn’t mean you’re not a ‘cool girl’. Choking is also not exclusive to heteronormative relationships, or men exclusively choking women. I’ve had a number of experiences where male identifying partners have asked me to choke them because it intensifies the experience of their climax. I have also had plenty of female friends left extremely upset after their partners sprung choking on them in the middle of sex. Assumptions in the world of BDSM can be very dangerous, which is why having open, non-judgemental conversations about it is incredibly important.
I can only speak from my own experience, but exploring BDSM in my sex life has been, for the most part, a positive experience. I have easily reconciled it with my feminist identity because I have made it a point to be open and clear about what I want and what my boundaries are. In my daily life, I have to make decisions constantly, and the life admin never ends. It’s led me to realise that for me, the desire and act of being submissive during sexual activities is incredibility liberating. I am able to let go of my daily responsibilities, mentally relax, and let someone else take the reins. Completely contrary to what is depicted in Fifty Shades, this sub/dom roleplay in the bedroom empowers me. I have agency over my desires, and I am not “fixing the broken man” through my submission. With my partners, I’m encapsulated in a world of exploration underpinned by consent and choice. Exploring BDSM activities has challenged my views on the norms of femininity in the bedroom and allowed me to claim my sexual pleasure in a patriarchal world. In whatever capacity you explore BDSM, should you decide to do so, it is something that needs to be properly unpacked.
So, here’s my spiel on how to leave you, or your partner, breathless – but not up on manslaughter charges.
Number 1. Safety, Safety, Safety.
Less talked about, less sexy, but fundamentally important to highlight. As thrilling as BDSM can be, it is still life threatening. Breath play such as choking seems like a straightforward introduction of light BDSM into the bedroom, but is extremely dangerous when done improperly. The pressure you exert should never be on your partner’s oesophagus – the area around the Adam’s Apple – as this can quite literally kill them.
Keep in mind that the majority of sexual health experts recommend abstaining from choking entirely. Saucy alternatives are out there; look them up, the internet is an expansive place! For example, putting your hand over your partner’s mouth, allowing them to still breath through the nose, can easily mimic a similar submissive/dominant experience without the danger of constricting their breath. The bottom line is that if you are thinking about engaging with breath play, make sure you and your partner are well educated on the risks.
This brings me to my second point.
Number 2. Have a conversation!
Sex is so much more enjoyable when you know what the other person is interested in. This goes for casual and long-term partners alike. I have had some of the best sex of my life with casual partners simply because I took the time to express the boundaries that I have and the things I am interested in. The more you start doing it the easier it becomes. What isn’t sexy is surprising your Tinder date by sliding your hand around their neck without first having a chat about it. You are far more likely to get them climaxing when they know it’s coming and have consented to it beforehand. This consent, mind you, should also not be asked for in the heat of the moment. This conversation is one that needs to be completely removed from a sexual encounter, to give them adequate time to process what you’re asking and decide, pressure free, if they’re into it.
If they decide that it is something they’re keen on exploring, an essential component of that conversation needs to be dedicated to having a safe word. I cannot stress this enough. It helps ensure the physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing of all involved. Many people have the misconception that a safe word can completely ruin the mood of the encounter, but this is so far from true. The need for it can range from your partner’s knee crushing your hand mid-sex without knowing it, to just really needing a glass of water. The majority of times, when this is flagged and resolved, your partner will be enjoying themselves more, and you can head straight back to sexy time (if so desired).
If you’re struggling to come up with a safe word that fits for you, the colour system is a great one to start out with. Green means you’re golden, so free to keep going; yellow indicates they need to slow down; and red is a hard stop. This system ensures that throughout the entire experience (especially when exploring and engaging in riskier sexual activities), you or your partner have the opportunity to opt out at any time. Healthy and fulfilling relationships (especially those that include BDSM elements) should be built on a foundation of trust. Engaging in BDSM relationships means that you agree to be in tune with your partners desires, read and judge their reactions, and respect each other’s decisions during sexual activity. BDSM is about promoting a culture of ongoing consent – respecting and understanding that consent is informed, un-coerced, enthusiastic, and revocable. If you’re looking to spice up your sex life and have it be pleasurable, have a conversation about your limits, boundaries, and safe words. I guarantee you that if you do that, you’ll both be reaching your peak.
Number 3. Aftercare.
So, to finish you off (pun intended): the need for post-sex conversations is completely underrated but entirely necessary. This is particularly important for people engaging in submissive/dominant activities (and applies to both casual encounters and long-term relationships). You’ve both just come out of a physically and emotionally charged activity, so checking in with each other afterwards is crucial. Are you ok? Do you need water or something to eat? Did you enjoy it? Ask questions, give answers, be upfront about the experience, tell each other what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. This is the best way to keep a dialogue open with your partner about what you’re exploring and will allow you to continue to have good experiences in the future. Affirmations of love or care can also go a long way towards creating a holistically enjoyable experience. Even after a sexually gratifying experience, it is normal to want to be reminded of your good qualities.
For all its flaws and misinformation, Fifty Shades did provide a good launching point for talking about BDSM in the bedroom. It’s a good conversational lubricant for a healthy discussion about peoples’ sexual desires – whether that be simply trying a new position or introducing some ropes. But Fifty Shades is by no means a guidebook and should not be treated as such. The best guide to use is the one you establish with your partner. Ask questions, be curious, set boundaries, and be safe. Exploring different elements of BDSM with a partner can be a really thrilling framework to explore your sexual preferences and deepen your connection with someone. If anything can be taken away from this, remember that BDSM should always be informed, consensual, and never at the risk of your partner’s health.